An Evening in Harwood Heights
This is something that happened to me one evening in a small suburb of Chicago Harwood Heights Harwood Heights
I was on my way to visit a friend in Norridge and had to pass through the Heights to get there. I was broke and a speeding ticket was the last thing I needed, so I was on my best behavior. I even turned down the car radio hoping to sneak through town. I was approaching an intersection with a traffic light. I was planning to make a left hand turn, when the light turned red. I turned on my left turn signal the required distance from the light, stopped short of the pedestrian walkway and waited for the light to change. Once the light changed, I made sure there was no cross traffic or oncoming traffic and made a beautiful hand over hand left turn. I didn’t get fifty yards before I noticed flashing lights in my rear view mirror.
I pulled over to the curb hoping the squad car would pass by on another call. It didn’t; it pulled up right behind me at the curb. I sat in my car, fidgeting in my wallet for my license, trying to figure out what law I could possibly have broken. Maybe it was illegal to turn left after dark or something. I really didn’t know. I looked in my rear view mirror and noticed the cop still sitting in his squad car. We both sat there for several minutes, looking at each other, waiting for something to happen.
Out of nowhere another squad car appeared from around the curve in front of me, lights flashing and did a 90 degree skid; blocking the front of my car with the side of the squad car. Before I had time to do anything, both cops were out of their cars. The first cop came up to my door, his right hand resting on his revolver, his left hand holding a clipboard. He very politely asked me to; “slowly step out of your vehicle and put your hands on your head”. I was starting to think that maybe this had nothing to do with a traffic violation.
I did is I was told and said something stupid like; “I have my driver’s license”. By this time, the second cop had come around his squad car, grabbed me, spun me around, pushed me over the hood of my car, kicked my feet apart and patted me down. He then pulled me up again, spun me around, took my driver’s license and went back to his squad car. I was pretty sure now that this had nothing to do with a traffic violation and I was somehow in deep s**t.
I asked the first cop; “officer, can you tell me what I have done”. He told me; “put your hands down”, pulled a piece of paper off his clipboard, handed it to me and said; “is this you”. I looked at the paper; it was a photo copy of one of those sketch artist drawings you see on TV cop shows. I was about to say; “you guys don’t really do this”; but wisely reconsidered. I looked at the drawing; the man looked very much like me, dark hair, a full beard, mustache and glasses. I looked up at the cop and back at the drawing. I was determined to find something about this drawing that wasn’t me. I finally gave up and said; “yes, it looks like me”. Then I added; “and about ten million other men”. The cop was not pleased with my answer, stuck his index finger in my face and told me; “don’t be a smart ass”.
He then started asking me where I was at this time, on that day and if I ever went to this place or that place. I didn’t have a clue. The last thing I wanted to think about was the date. All I really knew was; it was summertime and I was out of school. Then he asked me; “do you enjoy showing your privates to woman in public”. My jaw dropped and I said; “what, are you f**king kidding”. In hindsight; I now realize you should never say that to a cop. It just pisses them off. He said; “no, I’m not f**king kidding;” and repeated the question. I said; “no, I would never do anything like that”.
Just as I was beginning to picture myself being raped in prison by real sex offenders, the other cop returned, handed me my license and said; “this isn’t our guy; he’s way too young”. The first cop stuck his index finger in my face again and said “you better watch yourself”; turned and went back to his squad car. Before I could do or say anything, both squad cars were gone and I was left standing alone in the dark, holding my driver’s license and feeling violated. For the first time in my life I knew what a bad date felt like.
I got back in my car and drove to my friend’s house. I went around back and saw him and his dad sitting in the kitchen. My friend’s dad was a Norridge cop. His was on duty and came home for dinner. I let myself in through the screen door. My friend asked; “what the F**k took you so long”; and his dad said; “there’s beer in the fridge, just don’t drink it all”.
I grabbed a beer, sat down at the kitchen table and told my story. All the while, my friend’s dad was eating his dinner and laughing his ass off. When I finished, he sat back in his chair, lit a cigarette and said; “for the past few weeks, there’s been nut case robbing beauty salons. This guy goes in, pulls a gun, asks for all the cash in the register and exposes himself to all the customers before he leaves. I’m surprised they only have a drawing of his face”.
He then asked; “I don’t suppose you were smart enough to get the names of those Heights cops”? The stupid look on my face answered his question. “Don’t worry, I’ll find out who they are and I’ll give them some real s**t on the radio tonight”. He got up, started for the door and said; “I have to get back to work. Please leave me at least one beer; is that too much to ask”. Then he looked at me and said; “if I were you; I would consider shaving off that stupid beard and staying out of the Heights for a while”.
I took his advice and shaved off my beard the next day. As far as drinking all the beer; I brought him a case of his favorite as a peace offering the next weekend.
